The view from the top of San Pedro Volcano, Guatemala

In no particular order:

“Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness.”
– Mark Twain

“A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it.”
– John Steinbeck

“A good traveler has no fixed plans and is not intent on arriving.”
– Lao Tzu

“One’s destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things.”
– Henry Miller

“Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson

This piece, originally written for, but never published by, McSweeney's Internet Tendencies has been one of the most popular pieces on this website ever since I first posted it, and has received many compliments.

Hunter S. Thompson

The theatre was dark and reeked with the stench of a hundred overfed accountants gorging on chemical drenched popcorn and syrup water. I’d been assigned to review No Country for Old Men for Rolling Stone, and was already a week past deadline, but had abandoned the assignment partly because when you eat as much mescaline as I had it’s very hard to focus on a predetermined task, and also because I realized what a fleecing the operation was. Fifteen dollars for a ticket. Eight dollars for popcorn. Four dollars for soda. This wasn’t art. It was a twisted perversion of the American dream, a herding of overweight suburbanites into giant pens with flashing pictures on the wall to stupefy them into paying outrageous prices for sickening foods.

I had brought my lawyer, a large hairy Samoan, and I explained this to him as we waited to purchase a package of Mentos, which is the only thing that will calm him in the throws of a powerful mescaline trip, but the mescaline was already batting his mind around like a squash ball. He kept looking around and talking about an agent and the ‘incident’ on his last trip to Batangas. Suddenly he muttered something about “the banana man” and ran down the up escalator, leaving a trail of sweatpants wearing housewives on the ground. I slipped into the theater.

The movie had started, but I was distracted by the raincoat-wearing pervert in front of me, who looked like the police sketch of a local pedophile. I was trying to get into position to snap his neck without drawing attention when I saw that a man further down in the theater kept turning to look at me. He was old and reptilian. Was this the agent that my lawyer had seen? Paranoia gripped me. Did I have any outstanding warrants? Was he an assassin? Or worse yet, a Republican? It was clear that I had to make a run for it and come up with an excuse for not finishing the article.

I ran out the emergency exit hoping that it would sound the alarm and empty the theater, but the alarm didn’t go off. There was a fire extinguisher in a glass case on the wall. I broke the glass and the alarm screamed. I sprinted back into the theater using the fire extinguisher to create a smokescreen. I thought I was in the clear, but as I ran up the aisle the agent leaped in front of me like an orangutan and punched me in the face. I awoke to my lawyer explaining to the theater manager that I was autistic and threatening to sue him for discrimination against the handicapped if he didn’t allow us to leave.

He pulled me to my feet and dragged me out my Cadillac, which we drove at top speed through the city, onto the interstate and headed for Vegas, where I had a friend who could give us some queludes to bring us back to our senses so that we could figure out who the agent was, and what he wanted.

Jack Kerouac

Neal and I had been planning to see No Country for Old Men because Neal and I always dug Cohen brothers movies and how they created such funny-sad characters that mirrored the funny-sadness of life, but when we were in the Royal having a beer before the movie Neal met a this beautiful little thin-hipped waitress who was almost finished work and decided to boost a car and drive her out of the city and make her in a field – Neal apologized profusely because beneath his animal sexuality he’s really a golden hearted angel and I told him that it was OK and bought a bottle of port to keep me company and hid it under my raincoat but that was a bad idea because I got too drunk waiting for the movie to start and couldn’t see clearly or understand the story so I started meditating on this crazy cat behind me who was moving around and mumbling a crazy dark monologue about pedophiles and agents and he kept getting more and more agitated like a tortured dark theater ogre until finally he stood up and bounded down the aisle on great long ogre legs and rushed out the door – then the fire alarm went off and he rushed back in shooting plumes of white foam across the theater while running up the aisle – but then suddenly a man stood up and punched him, which I hated because I hate to see anything hurt, and can’t even bring myself to kill a mosquito, and because I came to think that he was a of mad angel here to save us all from ourselves so I ran out of the theater and kept running for two blocks before realizing that I’d left the port in the theater and that I didn’t have money to buy more and that even after encountering a wild angel of the night, when your wine is gone and you’re alone the city is a desolate place - so I sat down on and cried into my knees wishing that Neal and the waitress would pull up in a car blaring bebop on the radio and carry me off into the hopeless American night.

Ernest Hemingway

I sipped gin from the flask that Ezra had given me and I hid it under my coat whenever the usher walked past. The gin was cold and biting and helped to pass the time while I waited for the movie to begin. After a while the theater became dark and quiet. The movie began. It was No Country for Old Men by the Cohen brothers, who always made fine movies, so I expected to enjoy it.

The story followed a man who killed people for profit and fun, a cowboy who discovered a bag of money, and an idealistic policeman. The story was interesting and I liked it although it wasn’t much like the brothers’ previous movies. The writing was refined and the cinematography was good.

The experience was all very good except for a man several rows behind me who kept talking and moving around. I kept turning around to glare at him so that he would be quiet. Eventually the man stood up and ran out the emergency exit. A moment later the fire alarm went off and the man rushed back into the theater screaming “fire” and shooting a fire extinguisher into the crowd. I had been enjoying the movie a great deal and this made me very angry so, when he came near me I stood up and punched his face. I could tell he wasn’t a boxer because he had no legs. He fell down and shouted for others to attack me because I was an “agent” and going to take him away for “water boarding”, so I punched him again and put him out.

After that the movie was postponed until the police could come, and I had an appointment with Gertrude for aperitifs at the Royal, so I left. I can’t say much about this movie except that the beginning is different from anything that the Cohen brothers have made, but it’s probably as good as anything that they’ve made, and it may attract lunatics, but it’s probably worth seeing if you’re not afraid to box a lunatic.

Scratch Magazine June, 2004

Music has long been used by the poor and oppressed to lift spirits and communicate messages of social change. From the African-American slaves of the deep south singing soulful, subtly rebellious, gospel hymns, to Zach de la Rocha of Rage Against the Machine belting out “We gotta take the power back!” over grinding guitars and machine gun bass kicks, politics have always been an undercurrent in Western music.

These days bands from most genres, like punk (Propaghandi, NOFX), metal (Rage Against the Machine, System of a Down), hip-hop (Spearhead, KRS-One), and turntablism (Dj Shadow, Cut Chemist), combine politics with music. But for the first part of the twentieth century political music, music with a message, was pretty much limited to the folk music scene.

Unions and Acoustic Guitars: The Folk-Protest Music Scene
Five artists were key in the development of the folk-protest music scene in North America. As Jerome L. Rodnitzky, author of Minstrels of the Dawn: The Folk-Protest Singer as a Cultural Hero, put it, “Woody Guthrie did it the earliest and most convincingly, Pete Seeger did it the longest, Joan Baez did it most artfully, Phil Ochs tried the hardest, and the young Bob Dylan did it best.”

The first North American compilation of folk-protest music was contained in the “Little Red Songbook” compiled by the Industrial Workers of the World in 1904. The songs of the book were written to inform the working masses about issues of unionism and socialism.

The songs of that Little Red Songbook inspired a thirty year old, political-minded author and newspaper columnist named Woodie Guthrie, to start writing his own songs of change in 1942. American music would never be the same.

Guthrie traveled the country with his signature acoustic guitar boasting a sticker reading “This Machine Kills Fascists” playing heartfelt songs of social change to working-class audiences. By the end of his career Guthrie had written thousands of classic socialist folk-protest songs including the famous This Land is Your Land.

Although Guthrie was a popular artist, and a cultural icon, he wasn’t a star. Subsequently, he never got the opportunity to deliver his message to the masses. He would, though, get to meet the man that would.

In 1962, while Guthrie laid up in a New York hospital with Huntington’s chorea (the disease that would cause of his 1967 death) a young musician and admirer, who was quickly building a following among the coffee house-goers of Greenwich Village, visited Guthrie’s hospital bed. The visitor was a 21-year-old Bob Dylan.

Dylan was influenced enormously by Guthrie. His straightforward, talking style, songs like Song to Woody and Last Thoughts on Woody Guthrie, and an enormous collection of covers of the old rebel-rouser’s protest anthems, are tribute to that. But Dylan was something Guthrie wasn’t. Dylan was a poet.

Dylan also had something the Guthrie lacked: topical issues. While Guthrie sang about philosophically broad topics relating to unions and socialism, Dylan had current events to sing about that already had the attention of the American people—events like the unpopular Vietnam War and nuclear bungling of the Cuban Missile Crisis.

Dylan’s down-to-earth honesty and straight-talking style quickly gained him critical acclaim and in 1962 (the same year he first visited Guthrie) he signed a deal with Columbia Records. His first, self-titled album wasn’t much to speak of. It boasted only two original songs among the traditional folk and blues cover tunes. But Dylan’s second album, 1963’s The Freewheelin’ Bob Dylan, would secure him a place among history’s great poets and musicians. Freewheelin’ was a lyrical protest masterpiece. It contained two of the most enduring protest songs of all time: Blowin’ in the Wind (about Vietnam), and A Hard Rain’s Gonna Fall (about the Cuban Missile Crisis).

Peter, Paul, and Mary’s cover of Blowin’ in the Wind went to #2 on the pop charts later that year bringing protest music, and Bob Dylan, to a wider audience that either had ever reached before.

Dylan led the outbreak of crazy-hippy, fight-the-power protest songs of the sixties. It’s often joked that Bob Dylan wrote all the hits of the sixties--and it’s not far from true. Many of Dylan’s songs, performed by other artists, became huge hits; like Bob Marley‘s version of Knockin‘ on Heaven‘s Door (later redone by Guns N‘ Roses) and Jimmy Hendrix’s version of All Along the Watchtower.

Dylan was not the only protest musician around during the 60’s. Many artists, even conventional ones, started writing protest songs. Marvin Gaye’s What’s Going On? criticized the Vietnam War and Nina Simone sang about racism and civil rights while Bob Marley was in Jamaica leading his Rastafarian “movement of Jah people” with music.

The folk-protest genre faded from the limelight when Dylan abandoned it in 1965, but it did not die. More recently Ani DiFranco, a street-wise, feminist, poet/musician, has been igniting social turmoil with her punk-inspired, rough-around-the-edges folk sound, since the late 80’s, and Billy Bragg, a British folk musician described by the London Times as a “national treasure”, has also been involved in political activism through his music for over twenty years and is still going strong.

The Unlikely New Protest Music: Anarchist Punk
The mid-seventies saw the end of the Vietnam War, and the decline of protest music. As the war came to an end, so did opposition to the war (which was the most popular topic for protest songs). Also, during the 70’s, corporations started taking over the music industry and it became harder for protest musicians to get record deals. Not many corporations are willing to sign artists who’ll turn around and criticize them.

So, protest music was forced back underground where it underwent a surprising metamorphosis. The sixties exhausted everybody’s taste for folk, but there was a new political sound emerging in Britain. It was called punk.

Punk, as a genre, is probably more political than any other. These days there are lots of poppy boy-bands, like Blink 182 and Green Day, playing stupid, shallow songs about girls and beer, while claiming to be punk. But the truth is, most classic punk albums are overtly political. The Sex Pistol’s “Anarchy in the UK”, Dead Kennedy’s “Holiday in Cambodia”, and Bad Religion’s “Recipe for Hate” are just a few of the more popular examples.

Punk has always been synonymous with Anarchism. Nearly every punk band that ever existed has used the word anarchy at least once. Black Flag, one of the most popular punk bands of the 80’s, even named themselves after the international symbol of the Anarchist movement. Most people think anarchy refers to a state of total chaos and destruction. The same people think punks just want to get wasted and destroy everything. This is not so. Anarchism is a serious (but little known) political philosophy based on individualism and equality, and many punks seriously believe in it.

The New Millennium: Everybody’s Doing It (About Everything You Can Think Of)
Nowadays everybody’s got a different cause: gay rights, animal rights, women’s rights, human rights, the environment, corporate imperialism, the War in Iraq, the list just gets longer. Just as the issues of protest music have become more diverse, so have the artists engaged in it. U2 wrote songs against apartheid in Africa. Artists from Bjork to the Beastie Boys performed at a concert to raise awareness about China’s oppression of Tibet. Even Lauryn Hill manages to squeeze feminist messages into her pop-infused, r&b stylings.

Though politics no longer dominate the punk scene they’re still important to a lot of the face piercing, leather-boot wearing, misfits. Winnipeg’s own Propaghandi is a leader of political punk, having formed it’s own record label, the G7 Welcoming Committee, to avoid corporate censorship. The now defunct Rage Against the Machine was arguably the most vocal, and active, political act of the Twentieth Century tackling issues from economics, to racism, to corporate domination of the media.

For information concerning political activism the websites of Propaghandi (www.propaghandi.com) and Rage Against the Machine (www.ratm.com) come highly recommended each sporting wealth of information and suggestions for reading and action.

Most recently, Hip-Hop has developed a protest scene. Most of the popular, early hip-hop groups, like Public Enemy and NWA, built their success rapping about issues important to African-Americans. Nowadays, Tribe Called Quest, Outkast, Michael Franti, The Jedi Mind Tricks, The Dead Prez, and other hip-hop artists keep the movement strong.

They’ve also expanded it in scope. Songs like Outkasts “Bombs Over Bagdad” and The Jedi Mind Tricks’ “Raw is War 2003” show strong concern for international affairs.

Protest music is more alive and diverse now than it’s ever been, and we’ll probably be hearing even more in the future. Just like the end of the War in Vietnam ended a strong protest scene, the post 9/11, aggressive military actions and environmental irresponsibility of the US are giving artists more and more issues to get angry about. The worse things get the more artists are going to jump on board--and they’re just going to keep getting louder.

Xpat Magazine March, 2008

I’m sitting here at my desk gazing out the window, trying to put to paper some kind of goodbye letter for my last issue behind the wheel of Xpat. But as I reflect on my time working on Xpat, and in Taiwan, I’m filled with a single emotion: gratitude. So, instead of saying goodbye, I’d like to thank all of the people who helped me make Xpat what it is today.

I would like to thank:

The good people of Taiwan for providing me with the opportunity to create this magazine and for putting up with the astounding amount of bullshit they receive from the ignorant and unappreciative portion of the foreign community
The foreigners who show our host country people the courtesy and respect that they deserve
Paul Andrew for his dedication from the first moment of the first meeting at McDonald’s nearly three years ago
Cindy Loo and Chris Scott for unwavering participation and excellent work on every issue
Rebecca Xiou for bringing in translations on time, but even more so for being a dear friend
Jeremy for showing me the nature of boundaries, and how flimsy they are
My tree-planting supervisor Matt for demonstrating to me the only way to lead – by example
Kurt Cobain for introducing me to the raw emotion of artistry
Kerouac for spouting streams of saintly spontaneous prose
Cervantes for a noble and timeless hero
Dostoyevsky for The Brother’s Karamazov; if you only read one book for the rest of your life, read this one – within its eleven-hundred pages you will find the greatest story ever written and everything you’ll ever need to know
Donovan for advice and support
Garret for thinking more and believing less
Hemmingway for illustrating the importance of a clean, well-lighted place
Twain for unimpeachable integrity and spawning American literature
Hunter S. Thompson for never backing down
Vice Magazine for picking up where Dr. Gonzo left off
Dante for the Divine Comedy
My parents for making me read instead of watch TV
David Lynch for hours of brilliant confusion
My brother Ben, for buying me my first tape: Nine Inch Nails’ Pretty Hate Machine
Ani Difranco for doing it her way gracefully and brilliantly
Bjork for being splendid unique
The Mars Volta for renewing my love of music
Danielle for sleeping on the beach and running through rice fields at dawn
Ghandi for showing that the only real strength is strength of will, and that violence is the weapon of the weak
Buddha for being. And not being.
Picasso for painting Guernica; a morbid billboard-sized depiction of the Fascist bombing of a town by the same name, and for solemnly telling the Fascist fuckers when they asked him if he was responsible for the creation of the painting, “No, you are.”
Emily for yoga on the dance floor and friendship as thick as blood
Mickey for being an incredible animal and caring for my dear sister
Jana Mattie for showing us how fragile we all are; something we could forget no more easily than we could forget her beautiful smile, piercing eyes and unending kindness
Steve for listening during troubled times
Emilie for a year and a half of abandon and adventure
You for reading

Sincerely,
Matt Gibson

Xpat Magazine September, 2007

Most recent athletic feat undertaken by Taiwanese ultramarathon champion, Kevin Lin: Running 6,920 km across six countries, and the Sahara Desert, in 111 days

The average distance run per day: 62 km

Total number of Taiwanese to play Major League Baseball: 4

Number of Taiwanese MLB players, present and former, of aboriginal ancestry: 2 (Chin-Feng Chen and Chin-hui Tsao)

Number of the Taiwanese MLB players, present and former, from Tainan City and County: 3

Day of the year that the most collect calls are made: Father’s Day

Number of people killed by falling coconuts each year: approximately 150

Number of people killed by sharks each year: approximately 10

Reaction of some octopuses to extreme stress: Eating their own arms

Oldest defense secretary in the history of the United States: Donald Rumsfield

Youngest defense secretary in the history of the United States: Donald Rumsfield

Worst defense secretary in the history of the United States: take a wild guess

Which came first, the chicken or the egg: The egg, as concluded by a panel of scientific and philosophic experts last year

Name of the first company to offer genetically designed hypoallergenic (non-allergy inducing) kittens: Allerca Inc.

Cost per kitten: USD$3950

Product’s popularity: There’s currently a two-year backlog of unfilled orders

First-ever genetically modified pet sold: The GloFish®

Date GloFish® first entered the US market: December, 2003

Colors of GloFish®: Starfire Red™, Electric Green™ and Sunburst Orange™

Suggested retail price: USD$5
Factor by which the volume of land used to produce genetically modified crops increased between 1996 and 2005: 50 (from 4.2 million acres to 222 million acres)

Countries that saw the greatest increases: Brazil and India

Percentage of normal baby rats that die within three weeks of birth according to a recent Russian study: 6.8

Percentage of baby rats born to a mother fed a natural soy diet that died within three weeks of birth (same study): 9

Percentage of baby rats born to a mother who was fed a GM soybean diet that died within three weeks of birth (same study): 55.6

Percentage of soybeans grown in the United States in 2006 with GM traits: 89

Taiwan’s policy towards labeling GM foods: Products containing more than 5% GMO ingredients must be labeled as such. Products containing less can be labeled “Non-GMO”

Percentage of GMO ingredients that must be present for mandatory GMO labeling in the EU: 1

Percentage of GMO ingredients that must be present for mandatory GMO labeling in Japan: .1

Canada and the United States’ policies for mandatory labeling of GMO foods: nonexistent

Percentage of processed foods containing GM products in the United States according to the Grocery Manufacturers of America: 75

Xpat Magazine June, 2007

At least once in their career, most English teachers in Taiwan stand in the unique position of naming children, or encountering a Taiwanese person, young or old, with a desire to assume an inappropriate English name. Sometimes kindie teachers, spurred by lack of sleep and unmetabolized alcohol, give kids wacky names for their own amusement, but more often Taiwanese people choose these names themselves and are unwilling to give them up despite the protest of their conscientious foreign educators and friends. Either way, Taiwan is a cornucopia of strange, incongruous, and hilarious names. I scoured various Internet bulletin boards in search of the most ingenious, insulting and comical English names that local xpats have come across. Here are the best that I found.

20) Cash
The funny thing about this name isn’t that some Taiwanese kid heard it in a movie and picked it for a name—it’s that I can actually punch the name into Google and find two dozen inept hip-hop artists who chose this name on purpose without realizing how ridiculous it sounds.

19) Pizza
Well, at least it’s better than Hamburger, or worse—McDonalds (which I was very glad not to have found).

18) Zigga
This kid was named after a DJ scratch sound. Now, no matter how dorky he may be, this kid can go anywhere English is spoken and be cool. He could walk through East LA in horn-rimmed glasses and an argyle sweater, and all the Latinos would drive by and yell, “yo, wassup Zigga,” and offer him a ride.

17) Snatch (female)
The guy who posted this one wrote that when his friend, this elementary schoolgirl’s teacher, suggested that she change it she replied, "No, I like Snatch."

16) Easy (female)
The poster of this name said that the girl chose it because you have to smile in order to say it. I hate to tell you this sweetie, but that’s not why he’s smiling.

15) Facial (female)
I don’t think I need to comment on this one.

14) Titty (female)
My god, how many sexually suggestive female names are there out there? I swear this is the last one.

13) Swallow (female)
Okay, this is the last one.

12) Zeus
Sometimes kids have the balls to do things that we all really want to do, like stick their hands down their pants in public, pick their noses and wipe it on their pants, or choose to be named after the god of the gods. Well done.

11) Turbo
The poster of this one wrote that if you ask this guy why he named himself Turbo, he’ll stand up, do a James Brown hip thrust and proclaim, “because I'm turbo charged!” I have nothing but respect and admiration for this man.

10) Peter Pan
The poster claimed that this guy was actually a pilot for Singapore Airlines. Unbelievable.

9) Sorry (female)
Scene: A local bar
“What’s your name?”
“Sorry.”
“What’s your name?”
“Sorry.”
“What’s your name?”
“Sorry.”
“What’s your name…”
(Drunk foreigner breaks out in hysterics as the unimpressed Taiwanese girl rolls her eyes and contemplates changing her name to ‘Easy’ like her friend who’s now being pampered by a crowd of smitten foreign men).

Urine (male)
Why would you do this? There’s no explanation, not even that you don’t speak English.

7) Panda
It’s not such a great name in English, but I have this friend whose English name phonetically translates to “tricky panda” in Chinese. When he told me I was so jealous it made me sick. Mine means “lucky forest” or something stupid like that.

6) Booger
The poster said he asked the kid why he chose it and the kid replied that it was because he liked the game Boogerman, and because “it sounded dangerous”.

5) Iron
Apparently this is the name of a personal trainer at California Fitness. He must speak English and must have known exactly what he was doing. He’s the Taiwanese equivalent of those moronic hip-hop artists who name themselves ‘Cash-something’.

4) Jackhammer
This guy is probably Iron’s drinking buddy. On Saturday nights they sit around in bars wearing blinged-out fake diamond dollar-signs around their necks talking about Hummers and wrestling. Then they drive around in their low-rider Honda Accord blaring Justin Timberlake, stopping at betel nut stands and trying to pick up the betel nut girls. After countless rejections they rent a bunch of porn videos and go home together.

3) 203
Hands down, the most unique name in the list.

2) Flagellum
This word refers to the tail that sperm use to swim up the vaginal canal. What is this person trying to say?

1) Jesus Gun
This name kicks ass. Right now, somewhere, an avant-garde indie musician just read this and is now dreaming about album covers for his future band.

*Special thanks to Forumosa.com, the discussion threads of which supplied the vast majority of these names.

All the weird names that one Kindergarten teacher claims to have given to students:

* Arbloo
* Stuka
* Libo
* Zoot
* Carny
* Bleefstoop
* Kib
* Nailgun
* Hoorno
* Asp
* Deet
* Zingermeyer
* Oreo
* Messerschmitt
* Hole
* Lapper
* Tarpy

Xpat Magazine June, 2007

The largest retail company in the word: 7-11

Amount of money American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class: USD$40,000

The year that the first Wal-Mart opened: 1962

Wal-Mart’s world ranking in terms of economic output, if it were to be considered a country: 20th

The number of corporations that, if considered to be countries, would rank among the 100 largest economies in the world: 53

The method employed by the Fumin County Government in China’s Yunnan province to improve the feng shui of a mined out mountain: they spray painted the barren mountainside green

The percentage of the earth’s original forested area still standing: 22

The number of trees on average that it takes to print the Sunday edition of the New York Times: 63,000

Number of times that the total amount of paper used by US businesses in one day could circle the earth: 20

Percentage of women in the world who will ever wear a diamond of one carat or more: 1

Factor by which the bacteria on the average office desk outnumbers the bacteria on the average office toilet seat: 400

Average life expectancy of an enemy combatant in a Chuck Norris movie: 4 seconds

The top three pirated software producing countries in descending order: Vietnam, China and Ukraine

The top importer of US made spaceships and parts in the world: Taiwan

The country with the most mobile phone’s per capita in the world: Taiwan with 106.45 phones for every 100 people

The percentage that Taiwan’s GDP increased from 1980-2000: 210

The only country whose GDP increased more during the same time period: China (382%)

Percentage of Taiwan’s population that lives below the poverty line: 0.9 (the lowest of all countries listed)

The number of terrorism acts committed in Taiwan between 1968 and 2006: 1

The only South-East Asian country never to have been (officially) colonized by a Western power: Thailand

The jail term a 61-year-old Thai man was sentenced to after attempting to copulate with an elephant: 15 years

His excuse: The elephant was a reincarnation of his late wife and he “recognized her by the naughty glint in her eyes"

The percentage of men and women respectively that have told lies to sleep with somebody: 34 and 10

The proportion of Americans now carrying a viral STD: 1/5

The proportion of people carrying an STD that experience no noticeable symptoms: 80

Two unsuccessful methods employed by officials at the Bangkok Zoo trying to encourage a pair of pandas to breed: Giving the pair a mock wedding and showing them ‘panda porn’

Percentage of the all websites that are pornographic: 12

Percentage of search engine requests pornographic in nature: 25

Percentage of internet users that view porn: 42.7

Top three pornography producing countries in the world in descending order: China, South Korea and Japan

The year that the Chinese government officially removed homosexuality from its list of state recognized mental illnesses: 2001

The year that Phoenix Satellite Television launched China’s first gay-focused T.V. show: 2007

The amount of money that one Chinese man offered to pay in a web ad seeking a woman to pretend to be his mistress so that his wife could beat her up: approx. $400 USD per 10 minutes

Xpat Magazine March, 2007

The definition of 'Lookism': discrimination against or prejudice towards others based on their appearance

The average hourly earnings of men with "below-average looks" and "above-average looks" compared to the national average in North America respectively: -8.9% and +5.4%

The average hourly earnings of women with "below-average looks" and "above-average looks" in Shanghai: -31.1% and +9.7%

The personality traits that people to attribute to 'attractive' people based solely on their appearance: successful, contended, pleasant, intelligent, sociable, exciting, creative and diligent

Marilyn Monroe's dress size in the 1950s: 16 (approximately the same as a size 12 today)

Catherine Zeta-Jones's dress size: 6

Percentage of women dieting at any given time: 44

Percentage of American adults who think they're obese: 19.8

Percentage of American adults who are obese: 30.5

Number of new anorexia and bulimia patients each year in the U.S. according to Naomi Wolf's feminist classic The Beauty Myth: 1,000,000

Percentage of American women suffering from anorexia or bulimia (same source): 60

Factor by which one study found the above statistics to be overstated respectively: 13.3 and 120

Number of Hairdressing Industry employees in Britain: 180,000

Total number of professionals working in skin care salons, nail salons, and barber shops in the U.S. in 2003: 1,600,000

Percent increase in salon professionals working in the U.S. between 1999 and 2003: 24

The labor market situation of salon professionals according to one beauty school directory: There's a "severe shortage of licensed salon professionals"

The worlds first and second largest exporters in the "Beauty and Jewelry Industry" respectively: China and India (39% of global exports)

The world's first and second largest exporters in the "Apparel and Fashion Industry" respectively: China and Pakistan (41% of global exports) 8

The apparent center of the fashion world: China

Top three plastic surgery procedures in the U.S. in 2005, and the surgeries performed: liposuction (324,000), nose reshaping (298,000), and breast augmentation (291,000)

Total spent on cosmetic plastic surgery in the U.S. in 2005: $9.4 billion

Total number of cosmetic surgery procedures performed in the U.S. in 2005: 10.2 million

Percent change from 2004: +11

The Greek goddess of beauty: Aphrodite

How she was born: Kronos castrated his father, Ouranos, and threw his penis into the sea which caused it to froth, and from the foam Aphrodite was born

Published under the pseudonym Salvatore Paradisio
Xpat Magazine March, 2007

"...there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and not try to hold on to it. And then it flows through me like rain."
Lester Burnham (Kevin Spacey) American Beauty (1999)

I met a guy when I first moved to Taiwan. Let's call him Stan. Stan was a nice guy. He was also an insecure guy who nearly obliterated the greatest relationship that he ever had - all because of his neurotic compulsions regarding beauty. His relationship was saved only by an act of great strength and devotion by his girlfriend at a crucial moment--she kissed me right in front of him.

Stan wasn't an abnormal guy in regard to beauty. He just wanted to control it. I think that's a pretty normal compulsion for a 20-something male. I know that damned-near every time I'm away from my girlfriend for more than seven minutes I slip into paranoid daydreams that she's stolen away into the arms of her secret lover with whom she's laughing wickedly about my naïveté. It makes me want to shadow her, break into her e-mail account and call her randomly to see if I can hear somebody else breathing in the background. But I don't. Partly because I know that this sort of thing would bring a swift and unpleasant end to our relationship. And, when the paranoia has subsided, I know I'm being foolish and that control is the obsession of the insecure.

Stan didn't know this. You see, in Canada, Stan was a bit of a dork. A pleasant soul, to be sure, but his thick-rimmed glass-wearing, rosy-cheeked baby-fat face and too-shy-to-look-up-at-the-waitress-when-he-orders demeanor didn't get him far with the ladies. I can't say for sure because whenever the subject came up, he dodged it with the agility of a youthful matador, but I'm certain that he came to Taiwan a 26 year-old virgin.

Of course Stan was, as are most foreign guys when they arrive in this heterosexual white-man's Shangri-la, pleased as a big bowl of fruit punch. I remember the day he and I walked down the street (he actually was jiggling like a bowl of Jello in his white pinstriped button-up shirt and dark blue jeans), when he told me; "Sal, I'm never leaving this place. I'm gonna' find me the most beautiful girl in this town, I'm gonna' court her, and I'm gonna' marry her." This statement disturbed me.

"Court her?" I exclaimed. "Did you just say you'd 'court her'?" Howling, I walked into a row of scooters and knocked them down and fell on top of them in a heap. "Well, you're certainly going to be fighting them off with sweet lines like that."

Nevertheless, Stan found his maiden. She was a Taiwanese teacher at his school. She was a plain, beautiful woman who wore long skirts and button-up sweaters. She rarely spoke, and when she did it was barely a whisper. She was innocent, shy, and very conservative--just what Stan was looking for. Stan was taken with her immediately. He wasted no time making an appointment with her parents (with a translator), to ask for permission to date their daughter. They ardently approved. Kiki was also quite impressed.

Things progressed quickly for Stan and Kiki. They went on dates to movies and bookstores. Kiki's parents were ecstatic about the couple and encouraged them to get more serious. They didn't have to push hard. After only five months Stan proposed and Kiki accepted. I found this news much less humorous than Stan's 'courting' statement.

"Dude, you've only been seeing her five months," I argued. "Wait a while. You haven't known her long enough."

"I know that I love her," he replied, "and that's all I need to know."

"How can you know that?" I asked. "Her English isn't that good. You hardly know her."

"It's not what we say that matters. It's how we feel."

Holy Jesus, I thought to myself. He's living in a goddamned Kevin Costner movie. I tried one last argument to avert certain disaster. "If you love each other, and if you're going to be together forever anyway, then why rush? Why don't you take some time, save some money and have a big wedding with your family?" I argued.

"Because I want her to be mine, and I don't want to wait," he said with wide desperate eyes. I knew then that I couldn't change his mind.

The engagement changed Stan and Kiki's relationship. Kiki had achieved an important goal for a conservative young Taiwanese woman: cementing a relationship with a stable and reliable breadwinner. She was passing into adulthood and had made a very good start--especially in her family's eyes. Now Kiki, who had previously been unbearably shy, gained a new confidence and became more outgoing. Where previously, she'd sit stiffly at a table in the corner seldom speaking, now she'd chat amiably with Stan's friends, and even strangers, when they were out. She'd even have a few drinks when the mood struck her.

This scared the hell out of Stan. He was content for Kiki to cower in the corner, too frightened to talk to anyone. It was safe. But now that she was opening up he became frightened. Stan had never had a long-term girlfriend before. He'd always been rejected. His insecurities convinced him that if Kiki started making friends with other people she'd realize that he was a loser and leave him. He finally had a girl that wanted to be with him and he saw her slipping away.

So, Stan did what any red-blooded, bull-headed, run-of-the-mill guy would do: he tried pathetically to take control of the situation and nearly wrecked everything.

Stan would get drunk and angry when they were out. He'd feign conversation with friends while peering through beady red eyes across the bar, watching Kiki socialize gaily. Eventually he'd abandon his companions wordlessly, stumble across the bar and pull Kiki outside by the arm and yell at her. Sometimes after these ridiculous tirades they'd come back inside and sit silently at a table for a miserable drink or two, but usually they'd just get in a cab and leave.

What Stan didn't realize was that Kiki attributed her newfound happiness to him and was even more enamored with him than ever. I know this because Kiki told me one night in the bar. It was, in fact, on Stan's birthday--the night that Kiki kissed me. We were at the bar and Stan was monstrously sauced and he was hugging everybody. He trapped me in an uncomfortably tight embrace, one hand on my ass (by accident...uh, I think) and told me, "I luf ya man. Shiriushly. I knaw ahm drenk, bet I relly mean it. I luf ya."

It was touching.

But then, as Stan gently caressed my buttock, he caught sight of Kiki. She was standing with Todd, an acquaintance of ours notorious for having slept with innumerable Taiwanese girls. They were watching us and laughing, probably making quips about Stan's drunkenness and our latent homosexual tendencies. Stan was enraged. His already red face turned bright crimson. He walked straight over to them and let fly an awful diatribe.

"What are you laughing at?" he shouted. "Do you try to make me look like a fool? It's not enough that you run around like a little tramp flirting with all the guys in the bar. You gotta sit here and laugh at me with him? On my birthday, no less. What, are you sleeping with him? Well, you're not the only one. He's the biggest man-whore in town. He slept with three different girls just last week. You probably got syphilis from him--just what you deserve you little sl..." Kiki slapped Stan and ran out of the bar.

The other Taiwanese girl who had been standing with Kiki and Todd stood rigid and silent. Her face was pale and her eyes wide as she looked at Todd, who returned her gaze sheepishly. At that moment a different Taiwanese girl strode purposefully across the bar up to Todd, tossed her drink in his face, kicked him in the shin and left.

Stan wandered off somewhere. To get another drink, I suppose. After a while Kiki came back into the bar and sat down next to me. Her face was streaked with mascara.

"I don't know what to do, Sal. He gets so angry, but he have no reason. He worry me talk with others, but he can't understand that he give me the power to meet people. Before I meet Stan I so shy. He a wonderful person, but I make him so angry. I tell him if he don't want me talk others I stay home, but he worry I meet others when he gone. I don't know I can marry him. I must stop this. You Stan's very good friend, Sal. What I should do?"

"He's worried because he loves you so much. He tries to stop you from talking to other guys because he's afraid that he's going to lose you. You need to get very angry at him, Kiki. You need to show him that if he doesn't stop this he will lose you."

"Ok," Kiki said somberly. She stood up. "Where is he?"

"I don't know."

Wordlessly she marched off. I followed her. What had I done? She found Stan leaning on the bar. She smacked the back of his head and, after the impact slowly registered through the blanket of alcohol, he turned around.

"What the hell?"

"You very bad!" Kiki screamed. Everyone in the room stopped and turned to watch. "You always think I want talk with other guys. You think I so bad. But you so bad. I very nice with you. I do everything you want me do. But you always think I want other man. I don't want other man. I love you."

"Oh yeah?" he retorted. "Then what were you doing with Todd, eh? I don't know why you're even with me. Every time we go out you run around talking to so many different guys."

"I talk them because they your friend. You leave me by myself. I need somebody with me talk. They with me talk."

"Sure, that's all you want. I know how you Taiwanese girls are with foreigners."

"How?"

"I know what you want."

"What? You think I want kiss other foreigner? Ok. I kiss other foreigner." Then Kiki turned around. I was standing right there. She grabbed my ears, nails digging into the flesh, and thrust her face against mine and held it there. When Kiki let me go I looked at Stan. His face was pale and deflated.

Kiki gave him a fierce look and said, "Now you leave me alone." She turned and walked off.

Kiki went to the washroom, cleaned up her face and returned. She walked right past Stan and I, and joined a group of our friends on the other side of the bar. "It's over," Stan moaned. "I've lost her. I gotta go talk to her." He started to get up.

"No dude." I replied and pushed him gently back on to his stool.

I spent the rest of the night next to Stan, who, pale and quiet, chain-smoked and watched Kiki float from group to group chatting carelessly. Finally, after several hours, Kiki glanced over at us from a table. She excused herself, stood up, and walked over.

"Lets go." She said to Stan. "Ok." He replied. They left the bar arm in arm, Kiki vibrant with her head high, Stan slouched and ashamed. I found out that they'd made up when Kiki delivered my wedding invitation the following week. She thanked me for my advice and hurried off to continue her deliveries. I opened the invitation. The cover was white with a picture of two doves, one in a nest in the bottom corner, and another in the top, opposite corner flying towards its companion. The inscription read, " If you love something set it free. If it returns to you it will be yours forever. If it doesn't, it was never yours to begin with. "

Stan and Kiki were wed a month later, and Kiki got pregnant right away. I later commented to Stan that Kiki had gotten pregnant very quickly, and he told me that he and Kiki had conceived the first time they made love. His expression was odd when he told me this, and I asked why. Then he told me that their first time had not been their wedding night. It had been the night that Kiki kissed me.

Idyllically yours,

Sal

FYI South February, 2007

Ryan Lu has brought South Taiwan many firsts. He was Taiwan’s first graffiti artist. He was one of the first skateboarders (and has subsequently achieved legendary status). He opened the first pop art clothing store, 420, and now he has brought Tainan its first authentic hip-hop club – Deep.

Deep, located in Anping (go West on Fucian Rd. past City Hall, hang a left at the gateway before the market, then take your first right onto YiPing Rd. and watch for the sign 2 blocks up on your right), is the most ghetto fabulous establishment this author has yet to set foot in. The lights are low and the walls are padded with red velvet. Semi-private VIP style booths line the room and are separated by hanging beads. The menu, of course, sports the classic players drink, Congac. A bottle of XO will set you back NT$6000. Those with a little less bling to blow may want to opt for a bottle of VSOP for NT$3500.

Those really looking to impress can purchase one of a choice selection of imported cigars starting with Patagas at NT$400 each up to the Davidoff 2000 Tubos at NT$800 apiece.

Deep is not only Tainan’s first hip hop club, but also the first sporting regular bossanova nights, which are Sunday Monday and Tuesday.

Wednesday and Thursday nights are Ladies nights. To get the fairer sex dancing, Deep keeps the house music bumpin’ and gives the ladies all they can drink for just NT$200, while guys get the same for a mere NT$350.
FYI South February, 2007

Friday and Saturday are hip hop nights and usually end up with the dance floor crowd spreading out into a circle to watch one of the regular B-Boys spin on his head at high velocity.

No one should leave Deep before trying the signature cocktail, the Deep Water Bomb (NT$180), which is a shot of tequila dropped in a beer, and, according to owner Ryan, “makes it easy to get high”.

The NT$250 Long Island Iced Teas and NT$150 beers also keep that goal well within reach.

FYI South reminds you that drinking and driving is a poor method of death avoidance.