I’m sitting here at my desk gazing out the window, trying to put to paper some kind of goodbye letter for my last issue behind the wheel of Xpat. But as I reflect on my time working on Xpat, and in Taiwan, I’m filled with a single emotion: gratitude. So, instead of saying goodbye, I’d like to thank all of the people who helped me make Xpat what it is today.

I would like to thank:

The good people of Taiwan for providing me with the opportunity to create this magazine and for putting up with the astounding amount of bullshit they receive from the ignorant and unappreciative portion of the foreign community
The foreigners who show our host country people the courtesy and respect that they deserve
Paul Andrew for his dedication from the first moment of the first meeting at McDonald’s nearly three years ago
Cindy Loo and Chris Scott for unwavering participation and excellent work on every issue
Rebecca Xiou for bringing in translations on time, but even more so for being a dear friend
Jeremy for showing me the nature of boundaries, and how flimsy they are
My tree-planting supervisor Matt for demonstrating to me the only way to lead – by example
Kurt Cobain for introducing me to the raw emotion of artistry
Kerouac for spouting streams of saintly spontaneous prose
Cervantes for a noble and timeless hero
Dostoyevsky for The Brother’s Karamazov; if you only read one book for the rest of your life, read this one – within its eleven-hundred pages you will find the greatest story ever written and everything you’ll ever need to know
Donovan for advice and support
Garret for thinking more and believing less
Hemmingway for illustrating the importance of a clean, well-lighted place
Twain for unimpeachable integrity and spawning American literature
Hunter S. Thompson for never backing down
Vice Magazine for picking up where Dr. Gonzo left off
Dante for the Divine Comedy
My parents for making me read instead of watch TV
David Lynch for hours of brilliant confusion
My brother Ben, for buying me my first tape: Nine Inch Nails’ Pretty Hate Machine
Ani Difranco for doing it her way gracefully and brilliantly
Bjork for being splendid unique
The Mars Volta for renewing my love of music
Danielle for sleeping on the beach and running through rice fields at dawn
Ghandi for showing that the only real strength is strength of will, and that violence is the weapon of the weak
Buddha for being. And not being.
Picasso for painting Guernica; a morbid billboard-sized depiction of the Fascist bombing of a town by the same name, and for solemnly telling the Fascist fuckers when they asked him if he was responsible for the creation of the painting, “No, you are.”
Emily for yoga on the dance floor and friendship as thick as blood
Mickey for being an incredible animal and caring for my dear sister
Jana Mattie for showing us how fragile we all are; something we could forget no more easily than we could forget her beautiful smile, piercing eyes and unending kindness
Steve for listening during troubled times
Emilie for a year and a half of abandon and adventure
You for reading

Sincerely,
Matt Gibson

The definition of ‘Lookism’: discrimination against or prejudice towards others based on their appearance

The average hourly earnings of men with “below-average looks” and “above-average looks” compared to the national average in North America respectively: -8.9% and +5.4%

The average hourly earnings of women with “below-average looks” and “above-average looks” in Shanghai: -31.1% and +9.7%

The personality traits that people to attribute to ‘attractive’ people based solely on their appearance: successful, contended, pleasant, intelligent, sociable, exciting, creative and diligent

Marilyn Monroe’s dress size in the 1950s: 16 (approximately the same as a size 12 today)

Catherine Zeta-Jones’s dress size: 6

Percentage of women dieting at any given time: 44

Percentage of American adults who think they’re obese: 19.8

Percentage of American adults who are obese: 30.5

Number of new anorexia and bulimia patients each year in the U.S. according to Naomi Wolf’s feminist classic The Beauty Myth: 1,000,000

Percentage of American women suffering from anorexia or bulimia (same source): 60

Factor by which one study found the above statistics to be overstated respectively: 13.3 and 120

Number of Hairdressing Industry employees in Britain: 180,000

Total number of professionals working in skin care salons, nail salons, and barber shops in the U.S. in 2003: 1,600,000

Percent increase in salon professionals working in the U.S. between 1999 and 2003: 24

The labor market situation of salon professionals according to one beauty school directory: There’s a “severe shortage of licensed salon professionals”

The worlds first and second largest exporters in the “Beauty and Jewelry Industry” respectively: China and India (39% of global exports)

The world’s first and second largest exporters in the “Apparel and Fashion Industry” respectively: China and Pakistan (41% of global exports) 8

The apparent center of the fashion world: China

Top three plastic surgery procedures in the U.S. in 2005, and the surgeries performed: liposuction (324,000), nose reshaping (298,000), and breast augmentation (291,000)

Total spent on cosmetic plastic surgery in the U.S. in 2005: $9.4 billion

Total number of cosmetic surgery procedures performed in the U.S. in 2005: 10.2 million

Percent change from 2004: +11

The Greek goddess of beauty: Aphrodite

How she was born: Kronos castrated his father, Ouranos, and threw his penis into the sea which caused it to froth, and from the foam Aphrodite was born

*All answers are true George W. Bush quotes. A complete list of ‘Bushisms’ available online at www.about.com.

Xpat Magazine: How did the political forecast look the day you were re-elected?
Georgie Boy: There’s no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead.

X: I’ll say. Do you think that you’re a good president?
GB: I think I am…and, if not, that’s just the way it goes.

X: Everyone says you’re stupid. So, before we get into the heavy stuff, I just want to quiz you on a couple of things. Who was the first president of the US?
GB: That’s George Washington, the first president, of course. The interesting thing about him is that I read three—three or four books about him last year. Isn’t that interesting?

X: Um, no. What’s closer to California: Washington or Texas?
GB: I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It’s pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

X: Wow. That’s two for two. You’re not nearly as stupid as people say. Do you think you get a bad rap?
GB: No. I’m the master of low expectations.

X: Is that so? That’s very unique. What’s your defining characteristic?
GB: I’m also not very analytical. You know I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about myself, about why I do things.

X: It would appear that way. Do you have any personal goals?
GB: I aim to be a competitive nation.

X: What was your greatest achievement in office?
GB: I’ve coined new words, like, misunderstanding and hispanically.

X: What? Are you high? Have you been huffing gas?
GB: No comment.

X: Do you ever talk to the paintings of past presidents in the Oval Office?
GB: In this job you’ve got a lot on your plate on a regular basis; you don’t have much time to sit around and wander, lonely, in the Oval Office, kind of asking different portraits, ‘How do you think my standing will be?’

X: How do you like the Oval Office?
GB: (laughing) The Oval Office is the kind of place where people stand outside, they’re getting ready to come in and tell me what for, and they walk in and get overwhelmed by the atmosphere, and they say man, you’re looking pretty.

X: Has office changed you? Are you still friends with the same ‘ol hillbilly buds you used to go huntin’ with in Texas?
GB: I like my buddies from West Texas. I liked them when I was young, I liked them then I was middle-age, I liked them before I was president, and I like them during president, and I like them after president.

X: Now, lets get down to brass tacks. Do you think that by killing hundreds of thousands of innocent civilians, and forcing democracy on every country in the world, you can achieve world peace?
GB: Free nations are peaceful nations. Free nations don’t attack each other. Free nations don’t develop weapons of mass destruction.

X: The United States is a free nation. You attack other nations and develop weapons of mass destruction.
GB: See, free nations are peaceful nations. Free nations don’t attack each other. Free nations don’t develop weapons of mass destruction.

X: George, that doesn’t make sense. You’re just repeating your freedom bullshit. It sounds stupid.
GB: See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda.

X: Ah, I see, kind of like Hitler. Many people have compared you to Hitler: an Australian Politician, Fidel Castro, hell, the North Korean public schools even teach that America is the modern Nazi Germany. How do you think history will treat you?
GB: You never know what your history is going to be like until long after you’re gone.

X: Iraq’s a pretty big mess, huh? How do you think things are going?
GB: I think – tide turning – see, as I remember – I was raised in the desert, but tides kind of – it’s easy to see a tide turn – did I say those words?

X: How do you feel about the abilities of the Iraqi rebels? Pretty crafty?
GB: Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.

X: So, what kind of Iraqis are you after?
GB: The vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world and we will find these people and we will bring them to justice.

X: So, where’s the next big project? What country do you plan to free from tyranny next? Iran? Somalia? North Korea?
GB: One such goal is a democracy in Germany.

X: Do you have much in common with your friends’ wives?
GB: My friend, Sen. Bill Frist… he married a Texas girl…a West Texas girl, just like me.

X: So, does being a woman affect your domestic policy?
GB: I’m going to spend a lot of time on Social Security. I enjoy it. I enjoy taking on the issue. I guess it’s the mother in me.

X: What’s one question that people don’t ask often enough?
GB: Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

X: (laughing) At least not by literate people. How do you keep up with the times?
GB: I glance at the headlines just to kind of get a flavor for what’s moving. I rarely read the stories, and get briefed by people who probably read the news themselves.

X: Remember when I stole your nose before the interview and you chased me around the block before realizing I couldn’t really steal your nose? Look! (reaches over to GB’s face) I got it again. I got your nose! I got your nose!
GB: (angry) There’s an old saying in Tennessee—I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee—that says, fool me once, shame on—shame on you. Fool me—you can’t get fooled again.

X: I’ve heard that you’re a visionary when it comes to human relations with aquatic life. What’s your view on this?
GB: I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.

X: Wow, man. That’s deep. Hey, you eying-up the gas tank on my motorbike? Let me open it up for you there. Have at ‘er.
GB: Thanks.