Where is Matt right now?
DECEMBER 23, 2011 - Today I'm learning to dive at Fun and Sun Dive and Travel on Malapascua, Philippines (http://bit.ly/vAoQjP). In three days, we be swimming with thresher sharks. Merry Christmas to me :)
Xpat Magazine Winter, 2008
Tonight I ran beneath a crescent moon, thick like a section of orange, the color of lightning, surrounded by inky night speckled sparsely with stars. Golden Beach is the best place to run in Tainan. It’s relatively close to town and there’s rarely anybody on it at night.
I run there only at night, usually on Mondays. Ever since I started running at Golden Beach my Monday run has become something I look forward to.
Golden Beach is not a nice beach. It’s very dirty. There are always teacups and bottles and bags and Styrofoam littering the shore. Oyster trapping season has just finished and the trappers have, as usual, cut loose the old traps that are too old to use next season. So right now there are giant stacks of collected bamboo on the beach, and long piles of washed up bamboo lying lengthwise along the water line.
Most of the poles are as thick as a baseball and the length of two cars. If I go running at high tide, when the waves are pushing the poles up into the piles where they rattle around and a few roll back out by the wave, my run is like an Atari game, me watching the poles, timing their movements and leaping between them while trying to maintain my rhythm.
I run in bare feet so I need to run at the waters edge. If I run in the dry sand I risk stepping on broken glass. But if I run in the sand that has been washed over by the waves I can see the ground because the lights from the highway reflect off of the flat wet sand. I’ve seen thousands of tiny sand crabs, frightened by the sound of my feet, darting into the ocean in front of and around me. They come very close but I’ve yet to step on one.
I’ve also found that in Taiwan crave the feeling of seeing afar. After a week in the city, in the classrooms and alleys and city streets where you can rarely see more than fifty meters in front of you, my eyes yearn to stretch out across a horizon – any horizon. When I run at a Golden Beach they wander across the sky and the beach and the flat strip of multicolored lights that stretches across the black water of the Taiwan Straight.
But the reason that I really love running on Golden Beach at night is the same reason that I love going to the morning market. Running at Golden Beach gives me the same feeling that I get when I walk in the early morning sunlight among the butchers slaughtering chickens with tiny knives and the bamboo hat-wearing farmers with gummy toothless smiles. When I run on Golden Beach with the bamboo and the sand crabs and I look up at the moon (the moon looks very different on a tropical beach than it does in the high Canadian Rockies) and gulp the salty seaweed air, I remember; this is exactly why I moved to Taiwan.
Xpat Magazine March, 2008
I’m sitting here at my desk gazing out the window, trying to put to paper some kind of goodbye letter for my last issue behind the wheel of Xpat. But as I reflect on my time working on Xpat, and in Taiwan, I’m filled with a single emotion: gratitude. So, instead of saying goodbye, I’d like to thank all of the people who helped me make Xpat what it is today.
I would like to thank:
The good people of Taiwan for providing me with the opportunity to create this magazine and for putting up with the astounding amount of bullshit they receive from the ignorant and unappreciative portion of the foreign community
The foreigners who show our host country people the courtesy and respect that they deserve
Paul Andrew for his dedication from the first moment of the first meeting at McDonald’s nearly three years ago
Cindy Loo and Chris Scott for unwavering participation and excellent work on every issue
Rebecca Xiou for bringing in translations on time, but even more so for being a dear friend
Jeremy for showing me the nature of boundaries, and how flimsy they are
My tree-planting supervisor Matt for demonstrating to me the only way to lead – by example
Kurt Cobain for introducing me to the raw emotion of artistry
Kerouac for spouting streams of saintly spontaneous prose
Cervantes for a noble and timeless hero
Dostoyevsky for The Brother’s Karamazov; if you only read one book for the rest of your life, read this one – within its eleven-hundred pages you will find the greatest story ever written and everything you’ll ever need to know
Donovan for advice and support
Garret for thinking more and believing less
Hemmingway for illustrating the importance of a clean, well-lighted place
Twain for unimpeachable integrity and spawning American literature
Hunter S. Thompson for never backing down
Vice Magazine for picking up where Dr. Gonzo left off
Dante for the Divine Comedy
My parents for making me read instead of watch TV
David Lynch for hours of brilliant confusion
My brother Ben, for buying me my first tape: Nine Inch Nails’ Pretty Hate Machine
Ani Difranco for doing it her way gracefully and brilliantly
Bjork for being splendid unique
The Mars Volta for renewing my love of music
Danielle for sleeping on the beach and running through rice fields at dawn
Ghandi for showing that the only real strength is strength of will, and that violence is the weapon of the weak
Buddha for being. And not being.
Picasso for painting Guernica; a morbid billboard-sized depiction of the Fascist bombing of a town by the same name, and for solemnly telling the Fascist fuckers when they asked him if he was responsible for the creation of the painting, “No, you are.”
Emily for yoga on the dance floor and friendship as thick as blood
Mickey for being an incredible animal and caring for my dear sister
Jana Mattie for showing us how fragile we all are; something we could forget no more easily than we could forget her beautiful smile, piercing eyes and unending kindness
Steve for listening during troubled times
Emilie for a year and a half of abandon and adventure
You for reading
Sincerely,
Matt Gibson
Xpat Magazine September, 2007
Most recent athletic feat undertaken by Taiwanese ultramarathon champion, Kevin Lin: Running 6,920 km across six countries, and the Sahara Desert, in 111 days
The average distance run per day: 62 km
Total number of Taiwanese to play Major League Baseball: 4
Number of Taiwanese MLB players, present and former, of aboriginal ancestry: 2 (Chin-Feng Chen and Chin-hui Tsao)
Number of the Taiwanese MLB players, present and former, from Tainan City and County: 3
Day of the year that the most collect calls are made: Father’s Day
Number of people killed by falling coconuts each year: approximately 150
Number of people killed by sharks each year: approximately 10
Reaction of some octopuses to extreme stress: Eating their own arms
Oldest defense secretary in the history of the United States: Donald Rumsfield
Youngest defense secretary in the history of the United States: Donald Rumsfield
Worst defense secretary in the history of the United States: take a wild guess
Which came first, the chicken or the egg: The egg, as concluded by a panel of scientific and philosophic experts last year
Name of the first company to offer genetically designed hypoallergenic (non-allergy inducing) kittens: Allerca Inc.
Cost per kitten: USD$3950
Product’s popularity: There’s currently a two-year backlog of unfilled orders
First-ever genetically modified pet sold: The GloFish®
Date GloFish® first entered the US market: December, 2003
Colors of GloFish®: Starfire Red™, Electric Green™ and Sunburst Orange™
Suggested retail price: USD$5
Factor by which the volume of land used to produce genetically modified crops increased between 1996 and 2005: 50 (from 4.2 million acres to 222 million acres)
Countries that saw the greatest increases: Brazil and India
Percentage of normal baby rats that die within three weeks of birth according to a recent Russian study: 6.8
Percentage of baby rats born to a mother fed a natural soy diet that died within three weeks of birth (same study): 9
Percentage of baby rats born to a mother who was fed a GM soybean diet that died within three weeks of birth (same study): 55.6
Percentage of soybeans grown in the United States in 2006 with GM traits: 89
Taiwan’s policy towards labeling GM foods: Products containing more than 5% GMO ingredients must be labeled as such. Products containing less can be labeled “Non-GMO”
Percentage of GMO ingredients that must be present for mandatory GMO labeling in the EU: 1
Percentage of GMO ingredients that must be present for mandatory GMO labeling in Japan: .1
Canada and the United States’ policies for mandatory labeling of GMO foods: nonexistent
Percentage of processed foods containing GM products in the United States according to the Grocery Manufacturers of America: 75
Xpat Magazine September, 2007
I pen this letter from a remote stretch of shore on Kootenay Lake, an enormous, unmolested body of water hundreds of kilometers long, slung in a deep valley in British Columbia’s Rocky Mountains. As a child I spent countless summers running barefoot through these cedar forests. Today is the first time I’ve reclined on this quiet shore in more than 1,000 days; 1,000 days since I’ve lain on this rocky beach, smelled the clean mountain air perfumed with cedar and gazed at a night sky flooded with more stars than darkness. It’s sunny, but not hot. The waves lap at the pebble shore where I sit against driftwood in the shade of a poplar tree. I should feel at ease but I don’t. I’m lonely and I’m frightened.
Lonely because I recently parted ways with my partner, and frightened partly because I’ve suddenly re-entered North American society after a long absence and I find myself uneasy among hordes of large hairy white beasts with booming voices and a penchant for ceaseless small talk. But I’m scared mostly because I’ve flung myself into a torrent of brash life changes that promise to keep me in turmoil for months to come. In the past six months I’ve thrown away everything that’s been important to me for the past two years.
I’ve begun the process of packing up, tucking away and selling off three years of my life in Taiwan, including this magazine. Xpat hasn’t been a bad experience. On the contrary, it’s quite fulfilling and has been more successful than I ever expected. But I never wanted to be a publisher or an editor. I want to be a writer – so I’m quitting.
Taiwan has treated me wonderfully. Better than I ever expected. I have wonderful friends here, a job that I enjoy, a benevolent employer and a workplace filled with kind and gracious employees. But, I never planned to live in Asia (I’ve always been more inclined toward a Latin culture), so after three years, I’m preparing to leave.
And I broke up with Emilie. Intelligent, kind, adventurous and beautiful Emilie, with whom I lived, slept and traveled with for more than half of my Taiwan life. She is a great person, yet I felt that we couldn’t stay together because our relationship didn’t fit with the Future I seek.
All of the above changes that I’ve suddenly heaped upon myself are for the same reason: they don’t fit the over-romanticized traveling-writer Future that I contrived as a child running barefoot among these mountain cedars.
And now I’m frightened; afraid that I’m flinging away these precious things in search of an over-idealized Future—that might not exist. I’m petrified that one day I’ll look back and think, “I just should’ve left well enough alone.”
But, when it comes down to it, I’m even more afraid that one day I’ll look back and think, “Damn, how’d I get stuck here? What happened to traveling? And writing?”
When my mind turns to the uncertainty of my future my stomach twists with excitement and fear – 20 percent excitement and 80 percent fear (similar to my feelings previous to moving to Taiwan). It’s a mix that, in the past, signaled I must push on because I could never forgive myself for giving up such an exciting and challenging prospect. So, I will.
I don’t have much of a point to this self-indulgent treatise about the changes in my life except to tell you that fear of change has so paralyzed my mind that it can’t even fabricate a more suitable topic for this letter. And also to share with you a morsel of wisdom imparted to me by a friend. After assaulting him with a windy monologue—similar to this one, which concluded with, “It looks like I’m in for a lot of change,” he replied: “It’s the only constant.”
And so it is.
The future is mine and the future is yours. Take it while you can. It’s frightening and irresponsible, but it’s easier to throw yourself into change now than to spend the long twilight of your life looking back on the things you wish you’d done.
Recklessly Yours,
Matt Gibson
Xpat Magazine June, 2007
At least once in their career, most English teachers in Taiwan stand in the unique position of naming children, or encountering a Taiwanese person, young or old, with a desire to assume an inappropriate English name. Sometimes kindie teachers, spurred by lack of sleep and unmetabolized alcohol, give kids wacky names for their own amusement, but more often Taiwanese people choose these names themselves and are unwilling to give them up despite the protest of their conscientious foreign educators and friends. Either way, Taiwan is a cornucopia of strange, incongruous, and hilarious names. I scoured various Internet bulletin boards in search of the most ingenious, insulting and comical English names that local xpats have come across. Here are the best that I found.
20) Cash
The funny thing about this name isn’t that some Taiwanese kid heard it in a movie and picked it for a name—it’s that I can actually punch the name into Google and find two dozen inept hip-hop artists who chose this name on purpose without realizing how ridiculous it sounds.
19) Pizza
Well, at least it’s better than Hamburger, or worse—McDonalds (which I was very glad not to have found).
18) Zigga
This kid was named after a DJ scratch sound. Now, no matter how dorky he may be, this kid can go anywhere English is spoken and be cool. He could walk through East LA in horn-rimmed glasses and an argyle sweater, and all the Latinos would drive by and yell, “yo, wassup Zigga,” and offer him a ride.
17) Snatch (female)
The guy who posted this one wrote that when his friend, this elementary schoolgirl’s teacher, suggested that she change it she replied, “No, I like Snatch.”
16) Easy (female)
The poster of this name said that the girl chose it because you have to smile in order to say it. I hate to tell you this sweetie, but that’s not why he’s smiling.
15) Facial (female)
I don’t think I need to comment on this one.
14) Titty (female)
My god, how many sexually suggestive female names are there out there? I swear this is the last one.
13) Swallow (female)
Okay, this is the last one.
12) Zeus
Sometimes kids have the balls to do things that we all really want to do, like stick their hands down their pants in public, pick their noses and wipe it on their pants, or choose to be named after the god of the gods. Well done.
11) Turbo
The poster of this one wrote that if you ask this guy why he named himself Turbo, he’ll stand up, do a James Brown hip thrust and proclaim, “because I’m turbo charged!” I have nothing but respect and admiration for this man.
10) Peter Pan
The poster claimed that this guy was actually a pilot for Singapore Airlines. Unbelievable.
9) Sorry (female)
Scene: A local bar
“What’s your name?”
“Sorry.”
“What’s your name?”
“Sorry.”
“What’s your name?”
“Sorry.”
“What’s your name…”
(Drunk foreigner breaks out in hysterics as the unimpressed Taiwanese girl rolls her eyes and contemplates changing her name to ‘Easy’ like her friend who’s now being pampered by a crowd of smitten foreign men).
Urine (male)
Why would you do this? There’s no explanation, not even that you don’t speak English.
7) Panda
It’s not such a great name in English, but I have this friend whose English name phonetically translates to “tricky panda” in Chinese. When he told me I was so jealous it made me sick. Mine means “lucky forest” or something stupid like that.
6) Booger
The poster said he asked the kid why he chose it and the kid replied that it was because he liked the game Boogerman, and because “it sounded dangerous”.
5) Iron
Apparently this is the name of a personal trainer at California Fitness. He must speak English and must have known exactly what he was doing. He’s the Taiwanese equivalent of those moronic hip-hop artists who name themselves ‘Cash-something’.
4) Jackhammer
This guy is probably Iron’s drinking buddy. On Saturday nights they sit around in bars wearing blinged-out fake diamond dollar-signs around their necks talking about Hummers and wrestling. Then they drive around in their low-rider Honda Accord blaring Justin Timberlake, stopping at betel nut stands and trying to pick up the betel nut girls. After countless rejections they rent a bunch of porn videos and go home together.
3) 203
Hands down, the most unique name in the list.
2) Flagellum
This word refers to the tail that sperm use to swim up the vaginal canal. What is this person trying to say?
1) Jesus Gun
This name kicks ass. Right now, somewhere, an avant-garde indie musician just read this and is now dreaming about album covers for his future band.
*Special thanks to Forumosa.com, the discussion threads of which supplied the vast majority of these names.
All the weird names that one Kindergarten teacher claims to have given to students:
* Arbloo
* Stuka
* Libo
* Zoot
* Carny
* Bleefstoop
* Kib
* Nailgun
* Hoorno
* Asp
* Deet
* Zingermeyer
* Oreo
* Messerschmitt
* Hole
* Lapper
* Tarpy
Xpat Magazine March, 2007
The definition of ‘Lookism’: discrimination against or prejudice towards others based on their appearance
The average hourly earnings of men with “below-average looks” and “above-average looks” compared to the national average in North America respectively: -8.9% and +5.4%
The average hourly earnings of women with “below-average looks” and “above-average looks” in Shanghai: -31.1% and +9.7%
The personality traits that people to attribute to ‘attractive’ people based solely on their appearance: successful, contended, pleasant, intelligent, sociable, exciting, creative and diligent
Marilyn Monroe’s dress size in the 1950s: 16 (approximately the same as a size 12 today)
Catherine Zeta-Jones’s dress size: 6
Percentage of women dieting at any given time: 44
Percentage of American adults who think they’re obese: 19.8
Percentage of American adults who are obese: 30.5
Number of new anorexia and bulimia patients each year in the U.S. according to Naomi Wolf’s feminist classic The Beauty Myth: 1,000,000
Percentage of American women suffering from anorexia or bulimia (same source): 60
Factor by which one study found the above statistics to be overstated respectively: 13.3 and 120
Number of Hairdressing Industry employees in Britain: 180,000
Total number of professionals working in skin care salons, nail salons, and barber shops in the U.S. in 2003: 1,600,000
Percent increase in salon professionals working in the U.S. between 1999 and 2003: 24
The labor market situation of salon professionals according to one beauty school directory: There’s a “severe shortage of licensed salon professionals”
The worlds first and second largest exporters in the “Beauty and Jewelry Industry” respectively: China and India (39% of global exports)
The world’s first and second largest exporters in the “Apparel and Fashion Industry” respectively: China and Pakistan (41% of global exports) 8
The apparent center of the fashion world: China
Top three plastic surgery procedures in the U.S. in 2005, and the surgeries performed: liposuction (324,000), nose reshaping (298,000), and breast augmentation (291,000)
Total spent on cosmetic plastic surgery in the U.S. in 2005: $9.4 billion
Total number of cosmetic surgery procedures performed in the U.S. in 2005: 10.2 million
Percent change from 2004: +11
The Greek goddess of beauty: Aphrodite
How she was born: Kronos castrated his father, Ouranos, and threw his penis into the sea which caused it to froth, and from the foam Aphrodite was born
DECEMBER 23, 2011 - Today I'm learning to dive at Fun and Sun Dive and Travel on Malapascua, Philippines (http://bit.ly/vAoQjP). In three days, we be swimming with thresher sharks. Merry Christmas to me :)
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